


Late Night Thoughts

by Fun2beme1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Levi's journals, Mild Language, One Shot, Potential Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29971605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fun2beme1/pseuds/Fun2beme1
Summary: A one-shot collection of Levi's journals. Enjoy!
Relationships: Levi/OC
Kudos: 1





	Late Night Thoughts

August 8th, 848  
On these nights, when sleep is as elusive as the stars in the night sky; I can't help but think of the two of you. Isabel, your cheerful and upbeat demeanor; and Farlan, always the counter-balance between us. The wise-cracking humor, yet so serious too. Ever were the two of you the best part of me. I look up at the stars and imagine you still sitting here beside me. I feel peaceful.   
I'm up on this rooftop alone, though. Counting stars and imagining you among them. What would it be like now, were you still alive? Erwin is a good man, and I think you two would have grown fond of him as well. His vision for humanity is something worth fighting for, and I think you'd approve Farlan.  
And Hanji! So annoyingly perky and with her crazy ideas, I truly think you would have loved her Isabel. But these things are not why I sit on this rooftop tonight, gazing at the star riddled sky.  
It's these dreams. I see you die over and over again, endlessly. I feel the thunderous footsteps of titans, see them reach down for me. Their hands pass through me, as if I'm made of smoke. Is this guilt? Guilt that you have died instead of me? I believe this is so. It should have been me. Not you. Ever were you two the better of us. I dream of my mother, lying cold and dead. Of a small boy, helpless and alone. Of being hungry and afraid.  
Worse of all, are the dreams of dying alone. I believe this is to be my fate. What else do I deserve?  
No regrets, right?  
But I have them.  
Too many to count.

Levi Ackerman

August 10, 848  
No regrets has been the litany I repeat to keep my legs from caving beneath me. The litany I recite to my soldiers, only half believing it myself. Put on my brave face, and give the populace what they want. Brave Levi, carving up titans like sunday dinner. Humanity's strongest, riding out to defeat the enemy. How do you tell the world you just want to die? Someday, there will be that one enemy who is stronger; quicker. Someday, I will fall and it will be alone. With no one to mourn me.  
Oh of course the soldiers will pay their respects, and humanity will hang their collective heads, but within a day they will have their new hero. I mean honest, raw grief. The grief of a loved one. Family.  
I agree with Erwin. Forming relationships in this line of work is pointless. This world is so filled with death and pain. What hurt would I cause with my inevitable death? What pain would I be forced to endure, knowing my loved one died? I've experienced this enough.  
Yet, there's a small part of me; usually only present in the late watches of the night, that wonders. IS there someone out there for me? IS there someone who could, and would put up with the hot mess of issues I am?  
Sometimes I dream of this, too. I hear a voice over the screams of the dying. "I love you, Levi.", it says. I do not recognize this voice, but it's there; and when I wake I still hear it. It follows me through the day and gives me strength.  
A dream to torment the lonely.

Levi Ackerman

August 13, 848  
I'm not afraid to admit I'm lonely. To myself, that is. The expectations of the soldiers around me demand I keep my emotions to myself. I hurt, I cry, I feel. I don't think anyone knows how fucking hard it is to be so stoic all the time. To put on this air of untouchability. I want what every other man out there wants. It's just so fucking hard. The idea of putting myself out there, allowing myself to be vulnerable to someone? I'd rather face down 100 titans.  
I tell myself I don't care about these things. I tell that lie right as I stare at a nice pair of legs. As I'm trying to ignore a pretty smile, a beautiful pair of eyes. When I act like I've never noticed that woman in the tea shop.  
Like I've never noticed her.   
Once I noticed her, I really started to realize just how lonely I really am. I'm surrounded by people every day. The 100 ft tall barrier I have in place to keep them out though, doesn't allow for intimate friendships. Lovers. There is now a carefully chiseled out hole in this wall. From this vantage point I peer out at her, and wonder what would happen if I chiseled out another? And another?   
If I let her light infiltrate my fortress?  
Foolish night time thoughts.  
"I love you." I imagine that it is her voice. Hers in my dreams, and I often wonder, if I spoke to her would that dream be a reality?

Levi Ackerman

August 15, 848  
Today, an interesting discovery was made. The soldier we found had a journal on her. She continued to write, despite the inevitability of being eaten. This titan spoke to her. I do not share in Hanji's enthusiasm though. This information tells me that our enemy is even more powerful than we originally believed. As if they aren't powerful enough.  
This information left me feeling like time was running out. Time for what? To find happiness? What's the use in that? Even if I had the courage to speak to that woman in the tea shop, would it matter? Yes, I will not deny I lack courage in this respect. The thought of rejection, heartbreak and betrayal simply renders me speechless in these situations. Speechless, or so cold that I can literally see people shiver as they walk away. How many times have I silently screamed 'come back', but yet walked away seemingly uncaring?  
It isn't for me. That world of roses and kisses, and hands held.  
I was made for darker things.  
But yet, I continue to peek out of my hiding place. Carefully considering the beauty before me.  
Why?

Levi Ackerman

August 20, 848  
She bumped into me today, and made me spill my tea. Instead of asking her if she was okay, and doing the gentlemanly thing; I glared at her and walked past without a word. What the fuck is wrong with me? I sabotage myself in the worse possible ways!  
This tells me more than anything that I do not deserve to have these simple pleasures. I have no right to even consider them. I stood across the street and watched her walk out and away. As the distance between us grew, it felt more and more symbolic. A prophesied fate.

Levi Ackerman

August 22, 848  
"I love you". That voice has been more and more frequent in my dreams. As I awoke though, the poignant reminder of my loneliness was ever present. The chill on the other side of my bed is an aching pain deep within. Icy grip of solitude. A despairing pit that swallows that voice and leaves me feeling ever more jaded.  
I followed her today, what was I thinking? I felt like a creep, yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. I listened to her friendly hello's, her laughing comments to the people she passed. It makes me realize all the things I am missing in life. Connections. It also left me feeling less than human, like these interactions I was watching were foreign. Exotic. She stopped, laughing at one point to chase after several small children. They screamed in delight, and chased her as well. As she turned to enter her home, I swear she looked right at me. I may have been wrong, and hopefully so.  
I fear her reaction to knowing such an undeserving soul has found himself obsessed with her.. has found his home in her eyes.  
It is an obsession. It has to be. What else could these feelings mean? Love? Please, this is not something I'm capable of. It's beyond my reach.   
I need to clear my head. I would like to go for a walk, but I fear where my steps will take me. Gazing into her world, from the shadows where I belong.

Levi Ackerman

August 23, 848  
Is she lonely like me? I watched from the shadows as she moved from room to room, humming to herself, cooking dinner and I saw no one else in the time I was there; hidden in the shadows. Was it my imagination, or did I see my own sadness reflected in her eyes? She was up for hours, and when she finally went to her bedroom I had to walk away. I felt like an interloper, and that's just what I was; right? The desperate pervert trying to catch a glimpse? The outsider examining her life like a child with a bug in a jar?  
I don't understand what compels me to act the way I did tonight. I know she's beautiful, I know there's a feeling that desperately needs quelling. I want to know what it would be like to have a life outside the bloody battles and grief. A simple life.  
With her.

Levi Ackerman

August 26, 848  
I saw her not in the tea shop this day, but an interesting development occurred nonetheless. As I entered the shop, a waitress greeted me, carrying a small package. The note attached said, "My apologies for ruining your cravat. Please except this replacement once again, with my apologies. Genevieve."  
Genevieve.  
Her name is Genevieve.  
I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life. Of course, for sentimental reasons, this old cravat will never be replaced, but I will wear this new one happily. I regret not receiving this in person, although honestly I probably would not have found sufficient words to thank her. My fear would have left me stuttering like a fool, and most likely I would have insulted her.  
I will visit her this night, in my own way. I will watch from my shadowed bastion and wonder what my life would be like with her in it. I will leave my thank you at her doorstep, and pray it doesn't go unnoticed.

Levi Ackerman

August 27th, 848  
I saw her again today, not that it's all too uncommon. I'm stalking her for fuck sake. The roses were gone from her porch, and when I saw her walk out of her house, she was wearing one in her hair. This is by far the most beautiful I've seen her.  
This is the ultimate testimony to my feelings. That single rose. Pain like thorns, tearing into my heart only render her beauty all the more captivating. Listen to what a poet I've become. What has this woman done to me?

Levi Ackerman

August 28th, 848  
In the morning we leave on expedition. Of countless outings I have never been so worried. So filled with apprehension and dread. The concept of my death has become more visceral, more real. The possibility of dying without her knowing how I-  
Maybe it's best this way. Let the rose be my final and only testimony to my feelings. Let her go forth and find a safe love. One that can share her light. One that can give her light in return. I will remain in the shadows, and eventually become just some vaguely remembered dream.  
Ah yes. Captain Levi... I recall spilling tea on his cravat once....... she will reminisce, then shrug and carry on about her day; never really knowing what she meant to me.

Levi Ackerman

August 29th, 848  
She stood in the crowd today, as we headed for the gate. The somber faces of the crowd in complete contrast to her gentle smile. She handed me a rose, presumably from the bouquet I left on her doorstep; and the most I could manage was a curt nod. Does it mean anything? Reciprocation? Her way to tell me she knows? I tucked it in my odm harness for safe keeping, and know this: Had I died, they would have found it clutched in my bloodied hand.  
Will I ever find the courage to step out of my fortress? To bask in her light? I know not the answer, but when I hear her whisper I love you in the dark recesses of my mind; I tell her I lover her too.  
Such are my late night thoughts

Levi Ackerman


End file.
